Full Transcript (script)

HOLLY

Hello. Welcome to Holly's pod-tales -

episode 64.

You're probably listening right now

because you like to hear an amusing

short story? I hope that's true, cos

I've got a corker for you today.

This one's a bit different, as it's

not fiction. This actually happened to

me last month, when I found myself in

an unfamiliar, but not unpleasant

park.

I've wracked my brain since, to figure

out why I ventured a little further

that usual during my morning stroll

that day. it was like some invisible

force pulled me there.

Ambience: Park sounds

HOLLY

After walking quite a distance, I

needed a little rest.

Looking round, it struck me as odd,

that in a relatively empty park,

almost every bench was fully occupied.

Fortunately I quite enjoy a bit

company, so I forged a space next to

two rather frail, but friendly looking

chaps.

Hello gents, do you mind if I squeeze

in? Thanks. Oh, I think I might be

sitting on your jacket. There you go.

Sorry sir.

It was then, just after I'd settled,

that I spotted a rather eccentric

looking elderly lady opposite, who had

unfortunately seated herself on a

bench displaying a wet paint sign. I

hadn't the heart to tell her. It was

too late now anyway, I suppose.

Once she'd caught my eye, I couldn't

help myself from studying her. She was

fascinating! Her AC/DC t-shirt and

acid green trousers clashed with the

more age-appropriate coiffured, white

hair, but somehow, it worked.

I was trying to figure out what she

was carrying in her massive pink

handbag, when I noticed her doggedly

scanning the park, as if looking for

someone. Then rather unexpectedly and

swiftly, she removed the wet paint

sign; placing it in her large handbag;

just as a young man on a bicycle,

about my age, approached.

ADAM

(out of breath)

Do you mind if I sit here?

GRETA

(patting the seat)

Of course not dear.

HOLLY

He spent a bit time padlocking his

bike to the railing behind, and then

sat down. Glugging from his water

bottle.

The lady was furiously writing in a

notebook and clearly wanted the young

man to comment.

He clearly wasn't interested in a chat

though.

SFX: Greta writing

GRETA

(exhales repeatedly - and each

time louder - trying to draw

attention to herself)

ADAM

(reluctantly)

Writing anything interesting?

GRETA

Actually, yes! Thank you for asking.

It's going to be a murder mystery

book.

I'm very excited about it!

ADAM

Oh, OK.

Long pause

GRETA

Have you read any of the the Thursday

Murder Club books yet?

ADAM

Sorry, the what?

GRETA

The Thursday Murder Club.

ADAM

I can't say I've heard of them

GRETA

Richard Osman's books?

ADAM

Richard who?

GRETA

(speaking loud and slow)

Richard Osman

ADAM

Nope. Sorry. None the wiser.

GRETA

As in Richard Osman's House of Games

ADAM

Oh yeah. The geeky...

GRETA

(clears her throat)

ADAM

The tall guy?

GRETA

Yes, he's 6 foot 7 you know!

ADAM

Right.

GRETA

He's not just a TV presenter. He's a

brilliant producer and now a bestselling

author.

Surely you've heard of his writing?

ADAM

Now you mention it, it is ringing a

bell.

I think I read a review.

GRETA

Isn't he just marvellous?

ADAM

Not really my cup of tea I'm afraid.

GRETA

Oh!

That's a shame.

Pause

GRETA

This is going to be my first book you

see?

ADAM

Right.

Pause

GRETA

(clears her throat again)

ADAM

(in defeat)

So, was that your inspiration?

GRETA

Was what dear?

ADAM

The Thursday Club?

GRETA

The Thursday Murder Club!

Yes, they are all such a good read.

You really should give them a chance.

Richard Osman is so talented and

funny!

The first one is actually called 'The

Thursday Murder Club' I mean, even the

title draws you in. Don't you think?

ADAM

Indeed

So, what are you planning on calling

yours then?

GRETA

Calling my what dear?

ADAM

Your book

GRETA

Ah yes. Of course.

(proudly)

The Sunday Serial Killer Society

ADAM

Oh!

GRETA

Don't you like it?

ADAM

Err... Yes - It's great, it's just....

GRETA

Just what?

Is it too long? I thought it might be

too long. There's only one extra word

in there but it ruins the rhythm a bit

doesn't' it?

(emphasising each syllable)

The. Thursday. Murder. Club

The. Sunday. Serial. Killer. Society

ADAM

No, no. Not too long.

It's just... well it's a bit too

similar?

GRETA

Similar to what, dear?

ADAM

To Richard Whatshisname's book title.

GRETA

Richard Osman?

ADAM

Yes. Him

GRETA

Yes - that's the whole point.

His book was my inspiration. Didn't I

say?

ADAM

Yes, I get it. It's just.... oh, never

mind.

It's a great title.

GRETA

Thank you! I've been inspired by

everything in the book.

But I think I'll have to use different

characters.

I can't use exactly the same people.

That wouldn't be right at all!

ADAM

(full of sarcasm)

O h n o , that w o u l d b e t o o m u c h !

GRETA

So that's what I'm here trying to

find... ideas for characters.

I thought perhaps I might find some

interesting people here.

ADAM

(distracted)

I see. Any joy?

GRETA

Not... so... far.

Pause

ADAM

Well good luck with that!

I've sat on my ass for far too long

now. Really need to get going. It was

nice meeting you.

SFX: Footsteps as Adam leaves

HOLLY

I could see a panicked look in the

eccentric lady's face.

She clearly didn't want the young man

to leave.

She mumbled to herself, got to her

feet, and well... threw herself on the

ground!

GRETA

(muttering sounds of panic)

SFX: Thud and clatter as Greta falls.

GRETA

Help! Help!

SFX: Footsteps as Adam returns

ADAM

Are you OK?

GRETA

Yes.... I think so.

ADAM

What happened?

GRETA

I tried to stand up

It's my arthritis see?

Sometimes my old legs just give way.

ADAM strains to help Greta back up

GRETA

(makes a number of helpless noises

of an elderly lady in pain.)

ADAM

And you needed to get up just as I

left?

GRETA

Yes... Erm.... I got erm, lonely

ADAM

Oh! Lonely eh?

That was quick.

You seemed to be fine before I got

here?

GRETA

Yes... well... You were excellent

company

ADAM

I was?

GRETA

Oh yes. I've never had such a good,

erm short conversation.

You're just the tonic!

ADAM

Hmmm...

That was all just a ruse to get me to

come back wasn't' it?

GRETA

(ashamed)

Uh-huh

ADAM

Do you even have arthritis?

GRETA

(ashamed)

No

ADAM

Why?

GRETA

I knew you were going to leave, and I

wanted to learn more about you

ADAM

(interested)

More about me?

GRETA

Uh-huh

ADAM

What for?

GRETA

Well...

ADAM

For the book?

GRETA

Uh-huh

ADAM

You could have just asked...

GRETA

Would you have stayed?

ADAM

Well, we'll never know now, will we?

GRETA

I suppose not.

Pause

GRETA

I'm sorry

ADAM

(under his breath)

Oh my god you're annoying

GRETA

Beg pardon?

ADAM

Oh nothing. Just a touch of hayfever.

GRETA

Oh dear, that must be awful.

My neighbour Maude gets it bad, and my

late brother-in-law Malcolm didn't

stop sneezing for the entire summer

period his whole life.

I don't suffer from it though.

ADAM

Lucky you.

GRETA

Something I have in common with Mr

Osman

ADAM

T h a t y o u don't s u f f e r f r o m h a y f e v e r

GRETA

Yes. You'd be surprised at the number

of similarities there are between us

ADAM

Oh I'm sure

SFX: Greta turns pages in her notebook

GRETA

I have a note of them all here:

1) When asked how did he take his

coffee. He said, "White. No sugar, I'm

a tea person."

Me too!

2) His favorite tipple? Gin & tonic.

Mine as well!

3) He loves cats and dogs equally.

And me!

4) He's an eternal optimist.

Yes, and me!

5) Frequently - he finds himself

watching Homes Under the Hammer.

I do too!

6) On Pointless, he always said his

laptop wasn't real. I think he's a

secret technophobe.

Me as well! Although that's not so

much of a secret

ADAM

(impatiently)

Didn't you say you wanted to know more

a b o u t me ?

GRETA

Oh yes. Sorry. I get so easily

distracted these days

ADAM

You don't say!

Go on then. Ask away

GRETA

Really? Are you sure?

ADAM

Why not?

GRETA

OK then.

SFX - turning page of notebook

GRETA

Do you have Grandparents?

ADAM

Sorry?

GRETA

Grandmother, Grandfather, do have any?

ADAM

Err... yeah.

GRETA

They don't happen to live in a

retirement village, do they?

ADAM

Isn't that the setting of the Murder

Club?

GRETA

The Thursday Murder Club, yes!

So you have read it?

ADAM

Nope. Still haven't read it!

GRETA

But you know about the retirement

village?

ADAM

The review mentioned it

GRETA

Oh yes. The review.

ADAM

So you're going to use the same

setting?

GRETA

Yes, of course I am. Where else could

I set it?

I need a character who fits though.

Not easy to find

ADAM

Right

(tentatively)

Do you mind if I ask your name?

GRETA

Of course not dear. I'm Greta.

ADAM

My name's Adam.

Greta.... I was just thinking....

Do you think you should maybe consider

making your book a little more Greta

and a little less... Richard Osmond?

GRETA

It's Osman.

ADAM

What?

GRETA

Osman! Not Osmond.

Don't worry though. Lots of people

make that mistake.

I don't think he minds.

He's a lovely man.

ADAM

Ah OK. Sorry....

GRETA

What were you saying, just then?

I got a little distracted again,

didn't I?

ADAM

(sighing)

Yes, you did.

I just thought you might want to take

more inspiration from... your own

ideas?

GRETA

Oh goodness gracious, no. Why would I

do that?

His ideas are so much better than

mine.

It's a bestseller you know. I couldn't

compete with that!

Pause

ADAM

(changing mood - more decisive)

Well if it helps, my Grandma did live

in a retirement village.

GRETA

(excited)

Oh really?

ADAM

Yeah. Her name was Linda.

GRETA

Was?

Did you lose her recently?

ADAM

Yes. Just a few months ago - on her

82nd birthday.

GRETA

Oh, I am very sorry Adam.

SFX: Greta writing

GRETA

That is interesting though.

Were you close?

ADAM

Is that important?

GRETA

Yes. Very... I mean... it would be

useful to know.

ADAM

OK. I thought she was pretty damned

annoying if I'm honest.

GRETA

Oh, I see!

Well, in some ways that can make it

more difficult for you.

ADAM

It's been tough, yeah.

GRETA

Poor you.

ADAM

Anything else I can help you with,

Greta?

GRETA

Well, if it's not too painful, can you

tell me what it was about her that you

found annoying?

ADAM

(whilst sneezing)

Nosey bitch

GRETA

Bless you!

ADAM

Thank you!

Hmmm. What was annoying about Grandma?

Where do I start?

S h e w a s e x t r e m e l y nosey ,

talked f a r t o o m u c h

a n d w a s a l i t t l e , w e l l , manipulative .

GRETA

Oh! That does sound... annoying...

ADAM

Uh-huh!

Drove me mad!

SFX: Greta writing

GRETA

Tell me Adam, was Linda a wealthy

woman?

ADAM

Very! My Grandpa was quite a big shot

in the property world.

He left every last penny to her.

Not that she deserved it!

GRETA

Oh. And why didn't she deserve it?

ADAM

She didn't earn it did she?

And I think I already mentioned how

annoying she was!

GRETA

Right. I see.

SFX: ADAM drinks the last of his water

ADAM

I'm going to head over to the food hut

for a bottle of water.

Can I get you anything?

GRETA

Well, as you're offering, I'd love a

cup of tea!

ADAM

How do you take it?

GRETA

White. No Sugar.

Thank you!

SFX: Adam's footsteps

HOLLY

At this point, I must admit, I was

tempted to ask 'Greta' if she was OK.

However, before I had a chance to

react, she got up and walked over

towards where Adam's' bicycle was

chained to the railing.

She went to grab his backpack, but it

seemed it too had been padlocked.

Without hesitating, she pulled a pin

from her hair and had picked the lock

before I even registered what she was

doing.

She then pulled his bag onto the bench

and had a good old rifle through his

belongings.

SFX: Rifling noise and then clicking noise as Greta unloads a

gun of it's bullets

HOLLY

After a lengthy root around, I saw her

tentatively remove something. She

replaced the backpack and padlock and,

sliding back to her spot, she sported

a smug little grin as she casually

placed whatever she had taken into her

own bag.

Adam soon returned, nonethewiser. He

sat down and placed Greta's tea

between them on the bench.

ADAM

There you go

GRETA

Thank you!

How much for the tea?

ADAM

That's fine.

My treat

GRETA

Well, thank you, Adam!

ADAM

You're welcome, Greta.

GRETA

Shall we continue?

ADAM

I don't believe it!

I think I see Richard Osmond, sorry

Osman....

GRETA

Oh my goodness!

Where?

ADAM

You might need to stand up.

GRETA

Oh. OK!

SFX: Shuffling noise

ADAM

Erm, take few steps forward

SFX: Greta's footsteps

ADAM

A bit further maybe

SFX: Greta's footsteps

HOLLY

I couldn't quite believe what I was

seeing.

Adam reached into his pocket for a

small bottle and was now blatantly

pouring liquid into Greta's tea.

SFX: Glugging sound

ADAM

Right up the back near the food hut...

GRETA

I can't see him!

ADAM

No? I'm pretty sure it's him.

Oh dear - that's him leaving now

SFX: Greta's footsteps and shuffling as she sits back down

GRETA

No!! Oh no. I would sooo liked to have

seen him or... oh, my goodness, even

met him.

Oooh - do you think he might come

back?

I think he might live nearby you know.

I really am rather a big fan.

He's so clever. And... handsome.

Did he look handsome to you? Was it

definitely him?

Oh goodness, I'm all of a fluster!

ADAM

Ha-ha! Yeah. It was definitely him.

Sounds like there's a good chance he

will be back at some point though, if

he lives locally?

GRETA

(sounding slightly dejected)

Oh well....

ADAM

Aren't you going to drink your tea?

HOLLY

This time I was determined to

intervene, but;

here's where it gets really strange;

( c l e a r s t h r o a t )

Excuse m....

Just as I got up, Greta (looking like

a different person entirely) pointedly

and without Adam noticing, made eye

contact with me, winked and placed her

finger to her mouth to shush me.

I immediately sat back down. Now even

more intrigued.

What exactly was going on here?

GRETA

Oh, it'll be a little too hot at the

moment, Adam.

HOLLY

Then, she winked at me a second time!

ADAM

Too hot?

(sighing)

Right

Pause

GRETA

So, why don't you tell me a little

about yourself.

ADAM

OK. What would you like to know?

Anything in particular?

GRETA

Oooh anything and everything.

I might not use it all in the book,

but four arms and forewarned as they

say

ADAM

Forearmed

GRETA

You are?

ADAM

I am what?

GRETA

Forearmed. You just said?

ADAM

No, no.... the saying is... never

mind.

Erm, my name is Adam, I'm 27 and I

live in Birchley Street.

Just a few blocks away.

SFX: writing noises

GRETA

Ooooh - what a lovely part of town.

ADAM

Thank you.

I only just moved there.

(goading)

Came into some money.

GRETA

I see!

Oh, deary me. I seem to have gotten to

the end of my notebook.

I have another here somewhere.

SFX: Rifling in handbag noise

HOLLY

While Greta bent over to search for a

notebook, Adam discretely walked over

t o t h e r a i l i n g a n d p u l l e d a gun f r o m

his rucksack!

My instinct was to call for help, but

the nod and winks from earlier seemed

to have rendered me silent.

Adam was now standing behind Greta and

I could only just see him

surreptitiously pointing the gun at

her back.

The whole situation felt so surreal.

My heart was in my stomach as he

pulled the trigger

SFX: Gun firing without bullet

HOLLY

Nothing happened! He tried again.

SFX: Gun firing without bullet

HOLLY

Nothing.

As Adam attempted and failed to fire

the gun a third time, I noticed that

sly little grin re-appear on Greta's

face, as she continued to search for

her notebook.

Of course! She had removed the bullets

from his gun when he was getting her

tea.

What a lady!

As she sat up, Adam desperatly tried

to find a place to hide the gun and

had no option but place it down the

front of his shorts.

Greta turned to face him, and couldn't

take her eyes of his crotch.

GRETA

(clearing her throat)

Did you see someone you know?

A lady friend perhaps?

ADAM

I only have eyes for you Greta

GRETA

Oh, really?

Well, that's.... erm... flattering?

HOLLY

At this point, Adam followed Greta's

stare and looked horrified!

ADAM

(desperate)

Erm... well, yeah. You are a very sexy

lady, Greta!

GRETA

I am?

Goodness me.

Well, I must say, this conversation

has taken a very unexpected turn

ADAM

I don't mean to make you uncomfortable

Greta, but I have always found the

more mature woman very appealing.

GRETA

You have?

ADAM

Uh-huh. So much experience and

knowledge.

GRETA

I think I'm beginning to get the

picture, yes.

ADAM

It all started with Helen Mirren. And

it's grown into a little bit of an

obsession with all older ladies.

GRETA

My... I, err really wasn't

expecting...

ADAM

My latest crush is Miriam Margolyes

The way she holds herself is just...

delicious!

GRETA

Miriam Margolyes?

Delicious?

ADAM

Yes, the same way I feel right now.

Hungry!

GRETA

Oooh. Oh, OK, I think I might have a

sandwich in my bag somewhere...

HOLLY

(laughing)

Honestly, it was hilarious! Adam

looked like he was going to be

physically sick.

He managed to sneak the gun back into

his bag while Greta looked for her

sandwich.

GRETA

I don't seem to have brought a

sandwich today. Sorry Adam!

Perhaps we can go back to talking

about your late Grandmother?

ADAM

(relieved)

Good idea - what else do you want to

know?

GRETA

Well did she have any hobbies?

ADAM

Not really.

She was very dull.

GRETA

There must have been something.

You said she talked a lot. What did

she talk about?

ADAM

Mainly gossip about other people's

business and disapproving of

everything I did.

Oh and her stupid trips.

GRETA

Trips?

Did she travel anywhere interesting?

ADAM

Interesting? Hahaha no. She never did

anything interesting!

She did visit some really odd places

though.

GRETA

Such as?

ADAM

Well, she made several journeys to the

Central African Republic and...?

GRETA

No?

Are you pulling my leg?

ADAM

Erm... No.

Why would you think that?

GRETA

Well... the irony!

ADAM

Irony?

GRETA

Pointless!

ADAM

It can't be both ironic and pointless?

GRETA

No, no.

Pointless the TV show

GRETA

On Pointless, The Central African

Republic used to be a recurring

pointless answer.

ADAM

Used to be?

GRETA

Yes. It isn't any more because, well

everyone watches the show, but ....

Don't you see?

ADAM

I'm afraid I don't

GRETA

Richard Osman used to present

Pointless. He's given it up now.

Sadly.

But.. you know what I mean

ADAM

Err

GRETA

If your late Grandmother is a

character in the book inspired by

him...

ADAM

Right, OK. I see what you mean

(With heavy sarcasm)

Very ironic!

GRETA

Oh, this book is shaping up very

nicely now!

Pause

ADAM

Don't forget about your tea

GRETA

Oh yes.

HOLLY

Greta picked up her tea.

I thought she might have forgotten and

drink it this time, so I drew

attention to myself again

( c l e a r s t h r o a t )

This prompted a third wink from Greta

in my direction.

ADAM

Everything OK?

GRETA

Yes... It's just. Well, this tea has

milk in it.

ADAM

Yes it does.

You asked for white tea with no sugar

GRETA

That's right.

But you got me white tea with milk

ADAM

W h i t e t e a , is t e a w i t h m i l k

GRETA

Is it?

Oh dear. That's a shame

ADAM

I'm sure you'll enjoy it anyway

GRETA

I'm afraid I won't dear.

I'm lactose intolerant

ADAM

(under his breath)

Of course you are!

GRETA

Beg pardon?

ADAM

I said that's a shame.

Pause

GRETA

So, tell me Adam, how did your

grandmother die?

ADAM

Sorry what?

GRETA

Linda, your Grandmother.

What killed her?

ADAM

Well, she was playing chess

GRETA

Oh. Quite an unusual way to die

ADAM

(annoyed)

I hadn't finished!

GRETA

Oh sorry.

So it wasn't the chess that killed her

then?

Not the most dangerous of games is it?

Can't say I've ever played though.

Do you play? Is it a difficult game?

ADAM

(angrily)

Yes I play, and no, it wasn't the

chess that killed her!

GRETA

Uh-huh.

So, had she been ill for a while?

ADAM

No. She was very healthy for her age

GRETA

(looking up)

I see.

S o , w h a t was t h e c a u s e o f h e r d e a t h

then?

ADAM

Well as I was saying....

She was playing chess... and she was

cheating.

GRETA

(laughing)

She sounds like my kind of lady

Do you think we would have gotten

along?

ADAM

It's not funny!

Chess is a serious game

And yes, you would have been besties.

I've no doubt!

GRETA

How wonderful!

I'm sorry.

Do carry on

ADAM

She was cheating...

And her... opponent just snapped

GRETA

Snapped?

ADAM

Yes. He'd had enough of her nonsense.

As well as cheating at chess, she was

constantly interrupting and yap-yapyapping,

and asked far too many damned

questions.

It's making me angry now just thinking

about it...

GRETA

It sounds like you're rather

emotional, Adam.

ADAM

(ignoring Greta)

And her opponent wanted to show her

how bloody pissed-off he was.

All those questions.... "Have you got

a girlfriend yet?" "Do you think

you'll ever get married and have

kids?" "Why don't you come and see me

more often?"

I just had enough

GRETA

You h a d e n o u g h ?

ADAM

T h a t ' s r i g h t . I h a d e n o u g h . I c o u l d n ' t

take it anymore.

So, I strangled her.

Just like I'm about to strangle you!

SFX: Police siren

ADAM

What's going on?

GRETA

I'm wired for sound.

The Police have been listening in the

entire time.

ADAM

You... You knew?

GRETA

We suspected.

ADAM

We?

Wait... How did you know I'd sit next

to you?

GRETA

Easy - The rest of the society have

filled up the other benches nearby.

We know you always have a rest in this

part of the park.

ADAM

The society?

GRETA

The Sunday Serial Killer Society

ADAM

I thought that was your book title?

GRETA

Oh no dear. I'm not writing a book.

But the Society is real.

Very real indeed!

HOLLY

The police swarmed in and took Adam

away, much to the delight of everyone

else in the park, who spontaneously

applauded.

I of course joined them. What an

awesome performance!

Greta grinned, nodded her thanks and

walked towards me.

GRETA

Thank you Holly!

I knew you'd play along. You will

write one of your little podcasts

about this now, won't you dear?

SFX: Footsteps as GRETA leaves

HOLLY

Wait.. what? Erm Greta?

(louder)

Greta!

Oh, OK, bye bye then!

HOLLY

To this day, I have still no idea how

she knew me. And I've never been able

to find any trace of her since.

But I couldn't let her down. So,

Greta, or whatever your real name is,

this is for you. I hope you're

listening.